Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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