Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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