i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
