just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
