At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
