I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
40s are totally the cure
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
