you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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