I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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