You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
