ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All the doctor said was why
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
