My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize