having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
