I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
