Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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