New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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