It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
