I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
