I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
