I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
