It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
