My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
