Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
