does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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