Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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