Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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