I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
