I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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