Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
