I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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