just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
