Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
