I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
