just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize