Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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