Your dad touched me again.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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