Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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