I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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