I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
