the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize