It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
do nipples grow back?
Randomize