I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
