it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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