weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
