It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
