Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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