u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize