Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I need moral support for this bender
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize