the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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