I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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