one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need to align my fucking chakras
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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