Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
