My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize