69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
