i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize