Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have tasted many bathrooms
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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