Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
