I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
