I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
