I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
