I will die if light touches me.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
