i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
