The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize